SELF DISCOVERY...

This is pretty much an exert from the manuscript entitled "Life" so grab a beverage and a snack and get comfy because we're about. To go. IN.

After attending GURLSTALK FESTIVAL (see previous post), I was juiced up a little, I can't lie. I was thinking about all of the things I'd done, that I wanted to do and why I felt like certain things weren't working, why I was feeling frustrated and unsure of how or what to change in order to get to where I wanted to be.

On my bus journey home, I texted my mum and asked here exactly what time I was born so that I could accurately complete my birth chart (more on this soon). As I read through the description, I wasn't shocked, at all, to learn that being an Aries with an Aquarius moon means that you're annoying. It was a moment of self-realisation and a clarity. We're human and we all have things that we can work on. I decided that I would start now...if by now, we mean after some Bone Daddies and a nap...

The following morning was Sunday and I couldn't sleep in. It was light outside, the neighbourhood was stirring and it was warm. I was restless. Around 7.30am, I got up, made my usual morning tipple - hot water with fresh ginger, and put "meditation for manifesting and abundance" into the Youtube search engine. I wasn't interested in a Tony Robbin-esque spectacle, just something that would set me up for the day ahead. I chose this one and, whilst I almost bolted up off my mat when I heard the narrator say "listen to the sound of this beautiful music & let it wash over you" - because surely, that is subjective, I stuck with it.

I'm used meditating a little from yoga but my mind wanders so I knew guided would be better on this occassion. As the narrator was...narrating, I was connecting dots. I'd bumped into my photographer friend, Dean, who does some work for Coach - and who i did these crazy photos with. I tell him I'm proud of him every day but it felt awesome to say it in person. He told me that he was proud of me and that I should keep pushing my styling and fashion work because "MATE! don't take part, take OVER!" (say that in a thick, Geordie accent and try not to laugh).

Tshirt - Dickies 3 pack (I have a set of black & white, best plain T's ever! The fit is perfect & they wash well. I even got a set for my boyfriend!), Pants - Edwin Europe (old, similar here) Shoes - Zara, similar here.

The pennies were dropping hard and fast. I need to be and do MORE in every aspect of my life in order to live an abundant life. I need to let go (I hate that because oftentimes I feel put out by a lot of minor things. I'm getting better but...). I need to believe that it (whatever that may be) is already mine. 

I freshened up, hopped on my bike and cycled to a Boxfit class at Frame in Shoreditch. For someone that's an only child, sometimes, doing things alone is a little daunting at first, but you get there in the end. It was a completely new experience in a new location with new people. I was buzzing off coffee & adrenaline and I didn't know a single soul.

After my ex an I broke up, I created an impregnable forcefield around myself that slowly, but surely, has morphed shape and receded a little. I've come to learn that if there's little chance of me appearing vulnerable, I'm down to roll, on the front line. If I don't feel confident, or know people, I'm less likely to dive in. Not today Satan! From the moment the music started, it was GAME ON!

Up, down, left, right, jab, hook, jacks, squats, plan, push-ups, some yoga stuff thrown in there, some kanye, some prodigy, it was A LOT.  To my surprise, I didn't completely suck! I decided not to focus so much on my form because, let's be honest, how is that really possible at 4000bmp unless you're Anthony Joshua, a lie? Instead, I just went for it. At one point, I looked in the mirror and thought "biiiiihhhh, you look so ridiculous right now". I panned the room. Everyone looked ridiculous! Arms & legs everywhere, gloves and pads, some up, some down. The room looked like Hellfest c2002. I left feeling envigorated and proud that I accomplished 45mins of boxfit without a metaphorical safety net surrounding me.  I'll for sure do that again as it's exactly what I've been looking for, outside of my weekly yoga class.

I tend to avoid Shoreditch at the weekend because it's exactly what I imagine Magaluf to be like in peak season but I decided to cruise through the neighbourhood on my way home. Columbia Road was co-ordened off because of the flower market so I went through a high-rise housing estate. On my way through, I met an older man, out for a sunday walk, walking stick in tow. We greeted each other and walked, single file, in silence for 20 yards or so. When we got to the exit, we went opposite ways, "Have a good day, girl!", he said in his cockney accent.

He was OG Hackney, I could tell. I wished him well and went on my way. The whole exchange was a lesson. Aside from pleasantries and minimal eye contact, I really don't feel inclined to talk to strangers but I felt so good after meeting the girls the day before that I was more receptive. Me to me, "wow, not every person is an a**hole!". I was so gassed, I went and spent £25 on dairy free cheese...go figure.

This past weekend, I made myself completely vulnerable and had an abundance of positive experiences. I had clarity and has a glimpse into how it feels to see your visions manifest. I don't have a never ending supply of money...(YET!) but I have wealth in that I feel fulfilled. I hate being judged on my abilities but during boxfit, I didn't care (I was more concerned with the fact that I felt my throat was closing and that the jab-cross-upper cut-duck-jab-cross-upper cut-jump-knee-squat-shuffle was making me feel dizzy).

The major key that I took away from this experience is that's it's ok, in fact, important to let yourself be vulnurable. Trust your instincts, they'll never fail you. See how far you can go! Not just in terms of fitness and exercise but in othre areas of your life too - personal, career, relationships, you name it. It's only then that you will start to see abundance manifest - not only in the bank but in your quality of life and peace of mind.